It hit me yesterday that I literally just had a baby, ok maybe not this year, but a day before this year. Mikey came on 12/31 and so I was home with him for 6 weeks, went back to work, and bam COVID hit. Then my family and I somehow worked 2 jobs while having 2 kids under 3 at home with us. We did this for about 3-4 months when our moms offered to help 1 day a week. That little bit of help was a saving grace! When I heard they would help, I felt like I could finally breathe again! I’m bringing this up because I didn’t hit all of my goals this year. I know my son is almost 1 years old now, but somehow when it comes to my work, that never resonated. I still expected myself to hit all my goals, even despite covid! How crazy is that? I put so much pressure on myself to hit these goals and then the negative self talk to follow because I was behind on my goals. I realized this morning during a mediation about self-criticizing thoughts that a lot of my anxiety is from my own negative thoughts.
I began to unravel where all my anxiety comes from, and it seems to stem from negative thoughts from putting too much pressure on myself with too high of expectations. Then when things don’t go according to my expectations, I feel out of control which is exactly when my anxiety hits its peak. When I’m at my peak anxiety, I don’t know about you, but anything will unravel me. It can be my kids (more likely my daughter with her sassiness!), my husband, a bad drive in the car in front of me, anything. I scream, I cry because I just screamed, and then I’m deflated again. Then I open a bottle of wine. You too?
It has become a cycle in my life! I’m very grateful to have uncovered this cycle because now I can work on changing it. I’ve been so hard on myself because of these outbursts. I always say I need to be a better mom than this, a better wife than this, a better Christian woman than this.
But guess what happens next? Again the negative self talk puts more pressure on me, more anxiety sets in, and all of a sudden I’m right back to where I was…at my breaking point. As I write this, I’m realizing how much it comes back to my own mind. This is why journaling is so helpful, and my blog has become my virtual journal so I hope it helps you as much as it helps me.
Our minds are so powerful, yet we rarely use them. And when we do use them, we only use such a small amount of what they are capable of, AND we usually use them for these negative self thoughts. As I read Davig Goggins, Can’t Hurt Me, book, I’m learning how much we need to push beyond these thoughts. Yes we need to be honest with ourselves, which is exactly what I’m doing now. We have to tell ourselves the truth as to how we feel about ourselves. Am I disappointed in my outburst this morning? YES! Am I better than the outburst? YES! But now is the critical point! If I stay in denial of change, then I will never improve. As David says: “Denial is the ultimate comfort zone.” What is your comfort zone? It’s like the quote of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different outcome.
These hard times, these struggles make our minds tougher, preparing ourselves for a bigger, even tougher moment in our future. It means we are progressing in life as we should! God never does anything to us to push us down, He only does things to bring us higher. Everything is happening for you, not against you. If you truly believe this, you will join my journey to healing and progressing forward. I need to stop my negative and criticizing thoughts, I need to stop expecting unrealistic outcomes from myself and others. I need to be kind to myself while still growing as a person.
Here’s what I’ve been testing:
- When I feel like I’m going to explode, I put myself in a time out or as my daughter says: I need a moment. Away from work, away from kids, usually it is me driving in my car because I can’t do anything but focus on the road. The key is to separate yourself before you reach that peak, to identify it before it happens. Sometimes I give myself a day in my schedule of nothing. It doesn’t mean I don’t get anything done, but it gives me flexibility. If I’m slacking at home because I’ve overdosed at work, then I have a day to get groceries and cook for my family. If I’m feeling out of sync, I can pop into church for a reset. If I need to catch up at work, I now have a full day to focus and get it done! You can schedule in these time outs or use them as needed.
- Pace out my week! If I know I have a busy week ahead at work, I need to reach out for support at home. If I’m needed more at home because of my husband’s work, then I schedule less at work. I’m also giving myself catch up days at work so I’m not as stressed at following up with clients or on projects! Not only will an overloaded schedule make me exhausted and then a bad mother and wife, BUT it also just gives me loads of anxiety leading up to the week. It’s like a dark cloud looming over me, and I feel trapped. This nervous energy can leave you too tired to even execute the week anyway. You enter the week tired and you leave the week beaten down like you just went to battle.
- Mental reset! I give myself a mental reset, I look at myself in the mirror and am honest with what I’ve accomplished, what setbacks I’ve had, and what I’ve missed. Basically I look at the facts. This has been a game changer for our women, I have them record all the money making activities they do every day, week, month, year like save into their 401k, track their expenses, increase their savings, extra payments into their mortgage. When you look at the facts or all the things you are actively doing to better your situation, then you can remove the emotions. No matter what you will hit breaking points or close to them. When you feel them coming, go to your facts or a notebook you record your facts in, and reflect. Could you be doing more? Or are you just feeling insecure and emotional? Are your emotions justified or just exhaustion taking over. If you are tired, hungry, or feeling insecure, your emotions can get the better of you. BUT they don’t have to, you can remove yourself from your emotions by doing a factcheck!
- Have a support team around you! When women work with us, they are immediately surrounded by a team of advocates. In an instant, we have their backs. And this is important because these women will be making the most drastic changes in their money. They will have more money coming into their lives than they’ve ever had before, and it can be emotional, scary, and thrilling all at once. Insecurities will creep in, they’ll be nervous about not wanting to mess it up, and they will face new problems as they grow their money. Encountering new problems is a GREAT thing to face, it means you are leveling up in life. BUT it also means you will need constant guidance in your life with experts. I have my team of support who I turn to for constant advice, but also to celebrate with.
If this blog posting has resonated with you, and you too feel like you are capable of more, then we should talk. Do you feel stressed out, overwhelmed, and at your breaking point as the weeks go by? Do you have negative thoughts and are very self critical about your money situation? Are you haunted by previous life events that make you feel insecure with your money?
If you are nodding your head and reaching for your wine glass, you should check out my new book Confessions of a Money Queen! What is better than a cup of tea (or wine), and a good book! Sign up for book bonuses below!